Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Real Recognize Real

My boy Mark was getting to know this girl Charde and things seemed like they were going fine. She’s busy with school and extra curricular activities so, on the surface it seems like she wouldn’t have time to date or get to know anyone. However he works about 70 hrs a week between two jobs so her schedule doesn’t exactly leave him at home waiting for the phone to ring. They had an understanding that each other’s schedule came first and that outside of that they’d talk and hang out when they could. Sounds fair right?

The very first time they were supposed to go out she cancelled last minute saying for her to go out that night would be a hindrance on study time. Mark understood this but she went on to explain that she rarely goes out even with friends so for her to go out with him is basically a chore. This was the first sign of trouble. No man wants to take a woman out on a date that she’ll spend staring at her watch and glancing at her planner. Charde was persistent in saying she didn’t mean any harm and that she really would like to reschedule.

Her real feelings were on the table the minute she backed out of the first date and she should’ve stuck to them regardless of whether my boy would’ve been mad at her or not. Instead she wanted to keep her polished image so they rescheduled and went out a few days later. On their second date though, she pulled the same move; she backed out at the last minute saying it was school and not him. She went on to have another change of heart and in an attempt not to come off rude she invited him over after she studied and they hung out at her apartment.

Once again she put her true feelings out there only to try to make herself look good by giving Mark the option to settle for less than what was initially planned. Then on a third attempt at a date he asked her out to dinner with his family. While he wasn’t trying to intimidate her, she might not have been ready to meet his folks, which is understandable. Nevertheless she accepted and even called to confirm the date a few days prior to it. Then on the day of, he hears nothing from her and he finally calls her later that afternoon to make sure they were on and what happens? Charde cancelled again, this time saying she had one more final and it would be her hardest. She probably wouldn’t have even talked to him had he not called.

A syllabus is given out at the beginning of each semester so you know when you have finals and you’re perfectly aware that if your hardest exam is your last one you’ll need to be adequately prepared. Why plan a date during your finals? Why call to confirm a few days before just to cancel the day of? Why keep making plans with someone you’re obviously not willing to bend at the schedule for? The answer is simple; she isn’t being real.

Telling people what they want to hear is not always good. When your wife asks if she looks fat in her new dress you don’t say yes, because she asked you for reassurance that she’s still beautiful. When a man asks a woman out on a date, she shouldn’t say yes based off not wanting to break his ego. She should say yes because she wants to go, and in no way make him feel like she’s doing him a service by accepting his offer. However if she really does have prior engagements that will keep her from going out, she should simply say no in the beginning, that way problems are avoided and he can respect her honesty enough to ask her out later. On the other hand if she’s not interested in him like that, she should just say so. Women are terrified of rejection (i.e. the reason most of them never approach men they’re attracted to), so they assume we are the same way and that they have to play nice to spare our feelings. However since we’re usually the aggressors when it comes to dating, rejection is something we anticipate.

Being real and being rude are two different qualities. If you don’t want to go out just tell us up front and our pride will gladly keep us from approaching you again in that manner. If you can’t go out when we ask, you can be honest about that too. We have a lot more to do in our lives than to prepare for a date that you knew wasn’t going to happen when you accepted it. Most men have a thick skin and lost the fear of rejection the minute they started talking to you, so just keep it real. Tell us what’s on your mind without being offensive about it. Being considerate of someone’s feelings means not being rude when you tell them how you feel, but that shouldn’t jeopardize being honest.

Ant

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