Tuesday, July 13, 2010

5 Lessons Learned From Christina Milian

There are a number of lessons to be learned from Christina Milian's recent dating woes. Having been openly cheated on by Nick Cannon and now The Dream (don't let the "we've been separated for a while" statement he put out fool you...that ninja was cheating!), she doesn't seem like she could buy a good guy right now. I know some of you are thinking, "if a guy will cheat on her, he'll cheat on anybody." While it's true, being gorgeous does not guarantee relationship success (see: Halle Berry), there are still some valuable nuggets to take from Christina that can help you down your relationship path.

Rule #1: Some things should be obvious after seeing Christina's recent relationship failures; like, NEVER date Nick Cannon! Look I'm all about being open when it comes to relationships, but I see too many women under-bossing when it comes to their boyfriends. I'm not saying she needed some extra billionaire adonis, but come on this is Nick Cannon! For all his wealth and popularity over there at Nickelodeon, he is still one of the Top 5 wackest people ever. Him walking around with Christina Milian is like a bum walking around with an iPhone 4 with the Damier Louis case...he don't know what to do with that, and he's guaranteed to mess it up.

Rule #2: NEVER date The Dream! This is really an extension of Rule #1. While Nick Cannon and The Dream are two totally different dudes, they're cut from the same lame ass cloth. The Dream is one of them dudes who just does everything extra. Case in point, that picture. You standing in the ocean with a full outfit on (are those church pants ninja??), a baseball cap, and some sunglasses. I don't even need a punchline for that one. Nivea was more of The Dream's speed...Christina Milian was a consolation prize for not doing any vocals on "Umbrella".

Rule #3: Don't date for money. As much as it pains women to admit, too many of you see a dollar/opportunity first and hope the intangibles fall into place. The problem comes when you run into a guy who knows you wouldn't have hollered if he didn't have a few dollars in the bank (or some hit songs on the radio...not you Nick Cannon). That guy is gonna be in awe of you one second, and then in awe of his new found attractiveness (see: money) the next. Once he starts feeling himself it's a wrap. His wack ass is gonna have his Hispanic assistant in the islands taking pictures while you're at home taking care of the baby. If he didn't have money, he'd be washing your feet in chamomile tea leaves and taking you to Macy's for a Baby Phat shopping spree before he let your fine ass out of his sights.

Rule #4: NEVER date Nick Cannon!!!! #I mean that sh*t

Rule#5: Take your time. Spontaneity is all good, and should be welcome in a relationship, but getting married and having a kid with someone you've been dating for less time than Khloe & Lamar isn't always a smart move (being pregnant in your wedding photo's isn't a great look either). My point is, lasting relationships are going to be there. If you're lucky enough to be in a situation where finances aren't an issue, and you both work on your own schedule, then you have all the time in the world to get to know one another.

There are other rules to be learned (see: Never date anyone who wont take his hat off), but these will do for now. All the best Christina...The Dream, I hope you got 18 years worth of hits left in you...that baby just got expensive!



  1. Hilarious.
    "Him walking around with Christina Milian is like a bum walking around with an iPhone 4 with the Damier Louis case...he don't know what to do with that, and he's guaranteed to mess it up."

  2. "Christina Milian was a consolation prize for not doing any vocals on "Umbrella"." -Classic. I miss you Ant. LOL

  3. I should have known you would have said something about this! LOL! Hilarious! I agree Nick is corny as hell but, Chrissy aint too fly either. She is pretty but that is IT! She can't sing or act! So that balances out her poor choices in men. As for the Dream...YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He looks like the owl in the tootsie pop commercial...gross! And on top of it all I can't stand his music!

  4. lmao! I love you and Mike's writing! I can hear both of yall voice when i'm reading!

    but why you gotta pic the absolute worse pic of nick cannon!!! LMAO that pic of them together wraps up the whole post! LOL

    LMAO @ JOI...you need a blog too!

  5. hilarious dude. well written.

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